he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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