then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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