What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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