I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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