Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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