Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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