dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
