Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I see more hoeing in ur future
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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