How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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