My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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