Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
