U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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