What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
