we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
