someone threw a dead crab at me
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
