I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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