i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
