Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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