I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
