Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
