I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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