It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
