party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
