Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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