meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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