can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
