trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
