You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
