Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
