dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
