census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
