dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
