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you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
