my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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