Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
