somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
