the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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