dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
