Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
