Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
