Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
