you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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