I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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