Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
