I wish they made helmets for livers.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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