we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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