I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
