I haven't been this sober since birth.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
