hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
