Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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