I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
