i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
